So.....

Maybe I am not pregant. Meany, miney and mo maybe didn't stick around. My HCG numbers are not rising as they should be. My estrogen and progesteron are really low too. Technically on Monday I was still pregant but the numbers were not very good. They should have been a lot higher. I go back on Friday to have them checked again. If they have risen a great deal I guess we are ok. If they haven't I guess we will be at the end of the road this time. I am thankful we have our 4 frozen snow babies left. Either way I am thankful for them. I am also so so thankful for Kiyah. She truly is a miracle. I feel so incredibly bad for the couples that have done this 5 and 6 times and still don't have children. I hate hate hate if this doesn't work. The abuse I have done to my body. My hips are pitiful. All the money we have spent. The emotional strees is constant. But we have Kiyah. I will post on Friday with the results. Pray for us.

Here are my numbers for my sanity in case we have to do this again in the near future:

November 21, 2011

HSG 68

Estrogen 2,094

Progesteron 121

November 23, 2011

HSG 122

Estrogen 1,600

Progesteron 255

November 28, 2011

HSG 379

Estorgen 916

Progesteron 72

So.......

I am pregnant. I thought maybe I was but was too scared to really think about it. I had symptoms earlier this time. I gagged brushing my teeth, I wanted nothing touching my stomach, I had hiccups everyday and I just felt bad. So I can't believe we have made it through another round of ivf successfully.....praying everything still proceeds as it should. We are so excited!! Another ivf miracle. We are blessed.

I'm so tired

I was able to get up today and shower. It wiped me out. I couldn't even wash my hair I was so tired. But I am back at home now in bed. My cat and dog are happy.

My nurse called with my blood work results. My estrogen was 2001 and my progesterone was 56. Currently I take 1cc of progesterone in oil and now they want me to up that to 2cc. I take .02 of delestrogen and they want to keep that the same. This shot is hard to give. The oil is so thick that you have to push hard on the plunger. Which makes Karlis's hand shake. Which makes my muscle hurt like you know what. So when I told him earlier we were increasing the dose he actually complained and said do you know how hard that is. And I said "do you think I'm thrilled about it?"....like I asked for his little finger to hurt a little longer....SERIOUSLY. I also get to add prometrium pills. This will be 3 times a day. My nurse said that will make me dizzy and tired...more tired...how can this be????

My hips are getting kind of sad. They itch, are red, have a few bruises. My nurse said at this point the muscle is just fed up. It starts to ball up and reject whatever it can including the medicine. It has started oozing out like it did first round of ivf. She said massage and ice would be the best thing. If I don't get pregnant from this I will be so frustrated by all the abuse I have put my body through for nothing. Not to mention a few others reasons to be totally hacked. I will be mad. At who?? I'm not sure but I will be. It's like the hit Weezer moment from Steal Magnolias. I'll be aiming for anyone. I might have just increased the prayers from all my friends and family.

Laying around

The more I lay here the more tired I seem to get. My body is wasting away but hopefull my uterus is happy and relaxed. It should be. We just watch tv all day, shop for Kiyah's Christmas and read gossip magazines. It's the perfect day to lay around. Rain and the temperature is falling. I love the cold fresh air. I keep the window open even when it gets in the 30s. Karlis hates it but I'm happy. :)

So we had a first last night. Karlis gave me my shot then he gave himself one as well. He missed the cap going back on and got the tip of his finger. What did I do? Laugh my butt off. While he screamed a string of profanity. It was great. So that gave me an idea. I said lets shoot an empty needle in his hip muscle so he knows what I do daily. He said in this sad little voice "I don't want to.". It was truly a great moment. I laughed forever.

So I have had no bleeding like when I did Kiyah's cycle. I have period like cramps off and on all day. Not sure if that is good or bad. And maybe it's different for everyone.

I forgot to mention last time that since octo idiot mom my Dr has had to become conservative on how many he transfers. He said they have not had triplets in 18 months. He said 30% of his patients had twins. So triplets are a long shot.

Oh and lastly for those super interested I found an embryo grading scale. Hey, I have the time.. Here is the link:

http://www.advancedfertility.com/blastocystimages.htm

One more thing....our young embryologist said her camera was broke the day of our transfer so we got no pictures. You would think they would do a family portrait as much as we pay. Seriously a broken camera??? Fix it dang it.

3 out of 3

So it looks like there was a miscommunication. Our nurse promised us they would thaw four and transfer all that made it. Our dr I guess thought different. He thawed three and they all made it. I don't like miscommunication with something like this. I have thought for the last month I might get four but I guess that wasn't even an option. He said they all looked "great" but I could see the chart. There were numbers letters and collapsed written. So I started asking questions. He said he needed to get the embryologist. I was surprised. She was young. Like really young. I don't think she was even 30. I thought they needed years of experience and years of school. Guess I was wrong. She said that when embryos are thawed they look deflated like raisins. She said they move around and change too. I don't get that part cause how can you grade a moving mass of cells? Anyway she explained the grade ours were given. One was a 4AB, one was a 3BB, and one was "collapsed". The number represents how big it has swelled back up with 5 being the largest. The first letter represents how well the baby part actually looks. The second letter represents what factors that support a baby. Anyone confused???? The collapsed one was still alive but just slow....must be "Mo". So....that's enough of that.

I have been laying in the bed all day and find it completely exhausting. Biscuit loves it. I have my moments. I have seen more tv today than I have in the last month combined. I will have to read tomorrow. My retinas are starting to scream from the tv, iPad, iPhone. I need good old plain paper to look at. A good book.

I miss Kiyah terribly bad. I can't think about her too much or I get so freaking sad. The house is beyond quiet.

Only thing different today is that my stomach is beyond sore. I have no idea why. It's like they punched me when I was out. Very weird.

My estrogen was around 1400. My progesterone was 34. They said both of those were great and not adjust my meds. I am so glad they know what they are doing. I am clueless.

So guess that's it. I'm pregnant with three babies today. ........crazy!!

Tomorrow is the day

This time tomorrow I will have 3 or 4 embryos in me. Crazy to think that I will technically be pregnant with that many children. On the flip side it is scary to think that none of them might stick around....literally.

My body is convinced it is pregnant. I crave sausage and biscuits in the morning. I ate tomato bisque soup which I hate except when I am pregnant. I am also craving malt vinegar which I could have drunk when I was pregnant last time. I am SO GLAD I am already craving all of these things. I would have been certain I was pregnant if I had started doing that next week.

On the home front it is quiet. Sadly quiet. Kiyah is staying with my dad in Alabama this week. I just couldn't figure out how bedrest would work with her here. She would want to be with me and I would be depressed hearing her ask for me all the time. It would tempt me to get up which is stupid after all this time and money....and our babies life at risk. So she is there until Friday or Saturday. I hate it. I really do. I feel like I am clinging to her right now. I guess it brings back all kinds of memories of when we were unsure if we would ever get a child. I cannot imagine a life without her. She makes me laugh every day. All the moms out there know. Your children are your life. They hurt, you hurt. They laugh, you laugh. They cry, you cry. They are happy, you are happy. So this will be the quietest week I have had since Kiyah was born. I will probably be counting the ceiling tiles by Tuesday morning. Speaking of bed rest....

To lay upstairs in the bed or lay downstairs in the recliner....that is the question. Karlis says upstairs. I say downstairs. To lie on my back for four days will hurt. The recliner will just be easier. Plus I won't have the option of rolling to my side. In the bed I will. But the thing about being downstairs is that Karlis will be responsible for bringing my clothes down each morning......do I really want to rely on that? And nothing fits. Finding something is a chore. Invitro wrecks your body.....or it does mine. I am beginning to look like a tight end.....without a tight end.

So one of my good friends has taken the liberty of naming the babies. I think it is perfect. Eeny, Meeny, Miney and Mo are now the 4 embryos. I said knowing my luck the one named "Mo" would stick......Mo Zirnis. Although, I do have another good friend we call Mo and it seems to fit. Maybe a little "Mo" wouldn't be so bad after all.

I will post tomorrow night (if I can see straight) how many we were able to put in. I hope they will be able to tell my the quaility of them also. Or this just might be something that will drive me nuts until the pregnancy test. I will think on that one.

Pray for my embryo babies to be strong tomorrow and to stay away from the light. They have been frozen for three years. They might be confused. They might have enjoyed their low rent nitrogen filled tank. They might not be looking for another home. Pray they will like their move into their rent free uterus. If they only knew how bad they were wanted.....well maybe they do.

Lastly, another one of my friends and I were talking about how many would make it and how many wouldn't. She said something that calmed me some. She said "you will get exactly as many as you are supposed to get".......so true.

Till tomorrow.......

Today my body thinks.....

It is one day pregnant. Since our embryos grew to be five days old my body has to believe it is five days pregnant when they are implanted back in me. So since they go in on Monday today is day one. That is why we started all the additional medicine today and the super duper baby stick to my endometrial lining medicine. I forgot these shots. But believe me I am familiar with them now. Wow does the oil not ever hurt so bad. My muscle immiadetly started tensing when the oil went in. I have no idea how I am going to carry Kiyah around. She always says "mommy hold you" and sticks her little arms in the air. So since I am pregnant (not really but tell my body that) I have some pregnancy things going on. I can smell stuff a mile away. I don't want sweets anything like I normally do. My ta tas hurt and are super sensitive. So....when these little buggers go in how crazy will I be wondering if I'm pregnant or just responding to my meds??? This is going to be a long agonizing wait until the pregnancy test. And I don't even have them in me yet. Bear with me guys, I'm going to make everyone nuts.....more than normal.

Where did the fun blog me go?

I don't know. Or maybe I do. You see, I have these 7 embryos. To me they are a human at that point. So for the last 2 1/2 years I have thought about these babies. Are they boys or girls? Are they fun loving or serious little beings? Will they all make it into the world? I know this is not reality. I know they will not all make it. So that is hard. I can't wish that all of these babies do not take this time. But do I want 3-4 children this go around? Well no, not really. But what do you do? How do you hope for some to take and for some not to? So I think. And wonder. And then I try not to think. So...I am all serious. All business. And tired and stressed.

I had my last doctor appt this morning before we do the transfer. I will stop my stomach shots tomorrow and really start aggresively doing the hip shots. We have to mix the medicine in one syringe so I don't have to do 2 shots per night. It will be a much bigger dose so she said to get ready for my hips to get worse. After the medicine is given I have to lay on my side for 5-10 minutes and massage the oil (the injection is progesteron in oil mixed with delestrogen) into my muscle. I also get to start.......get ready readers........vaginal suppositories. Three times a day I will be the lucky home of these little beauties. I cannot wait......... I also begin a new antibiotic that I will take four times a day and two at each time (8 a day!!). I have been on antibiotics for over a month. My poor tummy. I also start taking a anti-rejection drug. So anything foreign in my body it will keep......this makes me want to try all kind of things. Which is probably really dangerous. I will be good, I promise.

Ok, so we have to be at the doctor on Monday morning at 10:45. The process should take 2 1/2 hours. They start thawing our embryos very early that morning. They will thaw 4 since they are stored 2, 2, 2 and 1. If at least 3 does not make it they will continue to thaw until they get 3. I do not want any less that three. If all 4 make it they will put them all in. I will not pick one to trash.

I have been asked if I am excited. I have too many emotions to pick just one. I am nervous because the time is almost here. I have wondered since Kiyah if I would have more children. I do not want her to be an only child. So it is almost sad because this could be it. If this ends up being our only chance and it does not take. We have decided we don't want to do another fresh cycle. We could always change our minds but I have put my body through a lot. Our pockets through a lot. Our emotions through a lot. I don't think we are up for another one. But maybe it will not come to that. Guess we will just all have to wait and see.

I AM fuse-less

I don't have a short fuse right now...I just don't have one. I am mean. And I acknowledge this. I just can't help it. One shot I take puts me in menopause. The other shot I take battles menopause. It treats hot flashes and vaginal dryness. Woo hoo....just what everyone wants treatment from. So I feel like these two medicines are in a struggle to see who wins. My poor body is the boxing ring. It is tired.

Karlis seems to have jumped right in with giving shots. Kiyah likes to watch. I lay down on my side when he does it. She stands by and holds my head, hand, arm, whatever. When it's done she says "all better mommy?". It's so cute. Karlis says he is Dr. daddy. I tell him he is nuts. I had blood work down this morning and an ultrasound. I guess everything is ok. They called to tell me to up my dosage of delestrogen to double what I'm taking now and then triple it on Sunday night. I go back Monday morning for more blood work and another ultrasound.

So if all goes as planned I get our babies a week from Monday. It's hard to believe its that soon. I'm not sure I'm ready. I guess with ivf it is hard to be completely prepared. It's a risk. A gamble. It's an emotional sand trap. I just hope I don't sink.

How did we do this before???

I have no idea how we did all this before. It is so confusing. They try their best to make it simple but dang there are a lot of steps, drugs, pills, injections, etc. And to think if you just miss one time you can send your whole cycle to the dumps.
My appointment yesterday I guess went ok. We didn't hear back from them last night saying my blood work was off. So we start the shots in my hips tonight. I still do stomach shots but the dose has dropped to 5cc instead of 20cc.
Kiyah did ok. My Ipad held her off for a good 10 minutes. The only problem was she thought they were hurting me when I had to lay on the table...which they kind of were. So she panicked a little. Oh and when I took my clothes off she did too.
So until Friday we do the same thing every day. Two shots a day, an antibiotic twice a day and the regular pills at night (1.5 aspirin, folbic, prenatal vitamin).
I cannot remember anything. The days seem to be flying by. My head hurts almost constantly today but I don't know if that is from the cold I have or from the drugs. You can tell from this post that my thoughts are sparadic. I did find out that they will draw blood on November 23rd to see if I am pregnant. That is a Wednesday. The day before Thanksgiving. For some reason I don't think this cycle will work and I have no idea why I think that. Maybe it is a defense mechanism. You can't get hurt as bad if you don't fully expect something. But then sometimes in my head I think how can this not produce a baby. My body will be so ready or at least tricked into thinking it is. I guess there is no answer or right way to think. I am just going through the motions. Taking the steps.