I have been avoiding this place....

We lost one of the twins over Christmas break. I went in for a routine ultrasound on December 28 and Baby B no longer had a heart beat. Needless to say it broke our hearts. Karlis has been in Canada for THREE weeks so I got to basically deal with it by myself. Rough times. And let me tell you....I have words I can put here. Words that would make us all cry within seconds. Words that will break your soul to pieces.....But I am not going to do it. I am going to cherish the one baby we have left. Things happen for a reason, I know this. I have to accept this or I would go insane.
So......on to happier things.....(not really)
My health hasn't been the best since this happened. My blood pressure goes from extremely high to extremely low. My temp has been elevated. The right side of my face and tongue went numb and my right arm. I have had blurred vision. And headaches off and on. Things have just been a little weird. So my IVF doctor is sending me to a neurologist on Monday. Wednesday we will have another ultrasound. I have not seen this baby since the 28th. I have been a little anxious. But when I saw it then it had a strong heartbeat of 170 and was moving its little arm buds around. I have no reason to think anything is wrong but you know how that is. I am so ready to get through the first trimester. I am around 10 weeks and 3 days. Almost there.

ONE WORD

TWINS!!!!

Tomorrow

The next most anxious worrisome day since finding out you really are pregnant with an invitro baby....the ultrasound. And finding out exactly how many babies there really are inside you. So...tomorrow we will know. I am hoping we will see a heartbeat. I'm not sure if we are too early for that. I have been too scared to find out exactly how far along I am. So if there isn't a heartbeat I can maybe says its just too early. It's tough playing mind games with yourself. :(

I am thinking just one. I thought it was two but my numbers didn't increase as they should, so maybe the other one was vanishing. Or maybe not. Tomorrow we will know. Finally.

All is well

We were looking for numbers at least 1,200. They called yesterday and my numbers were almost 1,800. We are all so relieved. I have an ultrasound on December 14. At this point my numbers look like a singleton. It's still fun to find out though. I can't wait. :)

Will be a long day

I am sitting outside the doctors office waiting to do my blood draw. It's been a long week with constant thoughts about being pregant or not being pregnant. I still have so many pregnancy symptoms but I'm on so many hormones. It's the constant issue. Which is actually making me feel this way??? And I feel desperate. I was actually thinking last night I wish I could steal some blood with a high hsg and trade it off as mine. That way I don't have to end this if that is the outcome today. Crazy crazy thoughts. So anyway, I will post later.

So.....

Maybe I am not pregant. Meany, miney and mo maybe didn't stick around. My HCG numbers are not rising as they should be. My estrogen and progesteron are really low too. Technically on Monday I was still pregant but the numbers were not very good. They should have been a lot higher. I go back on Friday to have them checked again. If they have risen a great deal I guess we are ok. If they haven't I guess we will be at the end of the road this time. I am thankful we have our 4 frozen snow babies left. Either way I am thankful for them. I am also so so thankful for Kiyah. She truly is a miracle. I feel so incredibly bad for the couples that have done this 5 and 6 times and still don't have children. I hate hate hate if this doesn't work. The abuse I have done to my body. My hips are pitiful. All the money we have spent. The emotional strees is constant. But we have Kiyah. I will post on Friday with the results. Pray for us.

Here are my numbers for my sanity in case we have to do this again in the near future:

November 21, 2011

HSG 68

Estrogen 2,094

Progesteron 121

November 23, 2011

HSG 122

Estrogen 1,600

Progesteron 255

November 28, 2011

HSG 379

Estorgen 916

Progesteron 72

So.......

I am pregnant. I thought maybe I was but was too scared to really think about it. I had symptoms earlier this time. I gagged brushing my teeth, I wanted nothing touching my stomach, I had hiccups everyday and I just felt bad. So I can't believe we have made it through another round of ivf successfully.....praying everything still proceeds as it should. We are so excited!! Another ivf miracle. We are blessed.