Fight On

There was a minor setback. I thought we were going to cycle in September and implant in October. I was prepared. I was ready. I called to confirm the schedule and it took two days before I actually got a person. Not a good start....again. She said that time was now full......sigh. I did not want to wait another month. I had prepared for a quick start. So we officially signed up to cycle in October and implant in November. You confirm that schedule with the financial counselor. I have absolutely no idea why. So the IVF nurse called me a few days after and said we could actually go ahead and cycle in September and implant in October.....what. the. he!!. She said in order to do that I would need to go ahead and start birth control pills the very first day of my period. And that just happened to be the day I had started. SSCCCREETTCHHHHH. Put the brakes on. Start immediatly??? My state of mind was not ready. For me in-vitro is so much mental preparation that to throw our new schedule out the window and immediatly start was impossible. I just couldn't do it. I could have done it the week before but not now. It sounds crazy I know. And then to top it all off you start thinking well what if I don't get pregnant now and I would have got pregnant if we had immediatly started. You can drive yourself NUTS.

I am trying to stay in a neutral state of mind. Since we were successful the first time it is hard for many to think it will not happen for us again. Plus it is not like people can say "you know you might not be so blessed this time". It is a catch 22. Wish I could turn my mind off but I want to talk about it. I want to discuss it but I don't want to get my hopes up. How do you do that? To be optimistic but cautious. To think you are going to be able to expand your family but say you will be completely ok if you don't. And to know your chances are limited. Very limited. Maybe only one or two more chances at the most. I guess it would be the equivalent for all the healthy sexually reproductive couples out there to say "ok we only get to have sex during ovulation only two more times in our lifetime". How horrible would that be? How slim their chances would be to have children. It sounds so sad in those terms and that is what we face. BUT I know we do have Kiyah. Our reality is not as harsh as some. To think she started out in a petri dish and grew in a lab until she was five days old is insane. I look at her sometimes and think "how did you survive". It breaks my heart to think about it. She was a fighter from the beginning. Will we be blessed with 1, 2, 3 more fighters. Or will we have the reality of finding out that none of our children will be strong enough to make it. And have to think for the rest of our life about who they would have been, what they would have been, their features, their laugh, their smile. Sometimes I wonder if it is more mentally exhausting knowing you have seven created children. I know I will mourn the loss for each of them. I just pray that some of them hang on and make it. Our little fighters.