When I thought we had lost our baby it was one of the deepest saddest feelings I had ever had. No woman should ever have to endure such pain. I am sure a spouse will hurt just as deeply but they don’t have to feel their body rejecting their child. I started thinking about how I would write what I was feeling if that had happened. I kept thinking that I never knew it was possible to love something so deeply that I had never even seen or met. From my perspective when we found out we were pregnant with our future child we fell in love with every aspect of them. You begin to dream of many happy moments and memories to come. Sports, sleepovers, band aids for skinned knees (my Alabama self so badly wanted to write skint knees), bath time, Christmas time, etc. Things look brighter outside, the air feels clearer, and moments begin to feel richer because you are constantly on a cloud of happiness that you never had before. We have always been happy and knew we could live a great life without a child but it wouldn’t be the complete happiness we had longed for. There is nothing like knowing a piece of you and the one you love has been created to carry on happiness and love for generations to come.
Since we had been trying for a little over 2 years I have known many people who have easily gotten pregnant or gotten pregnant by accident and had their children while my husband and I struggled. It is not an easy ride. I was always happy for the other couples but wondered if it would ever be our turn. I would dream about how we would tell our parents or how I could maybe surprise Karlis with the news. Since that moment never seemed to come for us there were some really disappointing times.
If we had lost this child we would have tried like any other couple would to get pregnant again but our journey to get pregnant is such a more stressful one than the perfectly fertile couple. It is amazing to me that people get pregnant by simply having (WARNING about to say the “s” word) sex. Imagine! That concept is so foreign to my husband and me. My mind cannot even wrap itself around that thought. How easy, how convenient, how painless, how completely FREE (hmm, guess that one can be debatable). No doctors in the room (well I don’t guess unless you are married to one or are really into some kinky stuff), no shots that inflate you like a Thanksgiving turkey, no popping up to 15 pills a day, no vaginal suppositories, no 3 times a week blood draws, no bed rest, you get to skip 2 different minor surgeries, the list goes on and on. Last but not least is you save thousands and thousands of dollars and I mean some serious money.
I am one of the few women that can say my doctor got me pregnant and my husband completely understands. Heck I even had Karlis’s consent and hopes and prayers my doctor would get me pregnant the first time. Plus the actual creation of our baby happened not by a special moment between my husband and me but it was me laying on a sterile operating room table and my husband probably looking at some girl named Bambi who loves skydiving, horseback riding and ice cream cones. I have never asked my husband the specifics of that experience and I never will. I guess whatever works to get the job done in a stressful situation is ok but it is definitely not a fairytale story of how you conceived your child. IVF is not normal stuff.
IVF is truly an emotional, financially, physically draining roller coaster. BUT we were truly blessed to get pregnant our first time. I keep up with some other women’s blogs and they are on their 4th or 5th time, my heart truly goes out to them. I cannot imagine the frustration and the thoughts of failure that must creep into their minds. It is the last thing from failure but I must admit I have thought it many times before. It is something about your body abandoning your ability to reproduce naturally that messes with your head. Not sure why, it just happens.
Today we are happy, we are blessed and we are sincerely content to be pregnant another day, another minute, another second.
3 comments:
I'm glad to hear everything is ok. I love Karlis' analogy about the hockey fight. I wish I would have thought of that 10 years ago. Annie had to see a doctor that was on call instead of our normal doctor. He spent more of the time talking to me about the hockey team than he did looking at her. She ended up in the hospital with RSV and I've vowed to never see that doctor again. Karlis' line would have come in handy. Hang in there!
I'm sure all parents (most?) love their children, but think how much more you and Karlis truly value this baby. I am in awe of everything you are going through. The joy you will experience will surely be that much more. My prayer is that the worst is behind you now....nothing but smooth sailing from now on.
I didn't realize that came up as Cagey.....This is C.J.
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