This was possibly one of the most confusing days of my life. We should have taken a little voice recorder along with us….seriously. When our IVF nurse started the session with “you will start birth control pills on the second day of your cycle” I thought we had somehow wondered into the “I can’t help but make babies” session. But this wasn’t the case; we actually start all of this with BCP’s which is kind of ironic. Then we move onto little shots of Lupron (aka the drug that turns you into some kind of wicked) and then to the big (aka decking nails) shots. This is good because my husband has been talking about building a deck so maybe we can use any extras.
Now we approach the “holy crap” portion of the appointment. My doctor did a “cervical mapping” which feels somewhat similar to a pap smear to find out where everything is in there. One would think he has seen everything in there by now and knows this but nonetheless he did it anyway. Well there was a “little problem” with the speculum. The little problem is one in that IT GOT STUCK!! It was some disposable plastic thing that wouldn’t release and close. My doctor really tried to be smooth and calm, but after lying in a complete state of shock for what seems like the amount of time he could have just sliced me opened and examined my goods firsthand, he began to bring out his special moves. By special moves I mean weird circular motions along with what felt like thrusts. This was I am sure what really was a complete state of panic by him but it felt to me like he was trying to put my husband to shame. Speaking of my husband, at this point he is making eye contact with NO ONE in the room and looking at the floor like it was his new best friend. So I get an idea, I think about asking if they have the Jaws of Life available in these circumstances but that is at the same time my IVF nurse states “We have NEVER seen this happen before”, so much for that thought. I then began to hear cracking which is a little scary when the sound is coming from within your special place. I glance down and my doctor is finally removing the speculum from within me and he looks rather triumphant like he has just finished wrestling with and defeating a wild beast.
If this doesn’t deserve an IVF discount I don’t know what does.
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